Stargate jokes

Q: What did the Tok'ra healer say to the Tau'ri patient who came in with a broken arm?
A: Please open your mouth.

Q: What did the Tok'ra healer say to the Tau'ri patient who had broken a leg?
A: Please open your mouth.

Q:How many Jaffa does it take to replace a lightbulb?
A:Knowledge of Goa'uld magic is strictly forbidden.

Q: How many Tok'ra does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but we Tok'ra have no use for your primitive, Tau'ri technology

Q:Why did the wraith stop sucking the life out of the clown?
A:He tasted funny.

Q:How many Asgard does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:All Asgard ships are currently unavailable, assisting in the effort to change the fuse.

Q:How many Aschen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:Two. One to replace the lightbulb with this fabulous new chandelier and the other to disconnect the house from the power grid.

Q:What did the Aschen say after dialing the black hole.
A:Well this sucks.

(Scene: Alpha site Three Tokra are huddled together, giggling)
-Korra: What did klorel say, the first time he stuck his head out the Jaffa's pouch in the shower, and looked south?
-Delek: What?
(A group of Jaffa including K'Mel is comming around the corner)
-Korra: Hey you! Only one symbiote per jaffa! Get lost!
(The Tokra laugh out loud as the jaffa come around the corner, with shocked expressions on their faces)
-KMel: Onak Tokra! Kree!
(The jaffa charge the Tokra and a huge fight erupts)

Q: Why did the Jaffa cross the road?
A: 'cos Apophis* said so

*(or any other system lord he serves)

Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Yu who?

A Tok'ra and a Jaffa were out playing golf. The Tok'ra was particularly bad and he kept 
saying 'Damn! Missed!' every time he missed a hole. The Jaffa told him in a scared voice, 
"You must not utter those words for Apophis will strike you down!"
They continued playing and the Tok'ra missed again and the Jaffa repeated his warning. 
Afterwards, when the Tok'ra missed again, he repeated his curse. Suddenly before the Jaffa 
could say anything, Apophis' ship appeared and blasted the Jaffa, and a loud voice said: 
"Damn, missed!"

Q: Why did Bra'tac have to clear weeds?
A: 'Cos he couldn't get the staff (weapon)

Apophis: (not using Goa'uld voice) Apophis is not available at the moment. Would you like me to take a message?


10. They have a really outrageous wardrobe

9. They don't need a lamp on the night table to read - they just glow their eyes.

8. They hang out with people who have tattoos on their forhead

7. They sleep more often in a huge stone sarcophagus, than in their bed

6. They always talk about founding a new religion - with themselves as god

5. They address you only as 'slave' or 'human'.

4. They talk about their plans to take over the Galaxy

3. Not only will they never do the dishes or cook - they expect you to bring the food to their chair

2. They have bought this huge, imposing throne chair on eBay

and the number one way to tell if your roommate is a Goa'uld

1. Everyone is 'insolent'


How can you tell Tanith is lying?
-His lips are moving. 


Reasons not to join the SGC

10. SG-1 teams are Earth's first (and last) line of defense against all the aliens SGC
manages to anger. 9. Enemies will keep returning, even when you are certain of their death. 8. Friends, family, and loved ones, will reject you, be made to betray you, or die
horribly. Usually a combination. 7. Members of SG-1 will die repeatedly and just as repeatedly be brought back to life.
All other SG-teams, as well as allies will just die. 6. You will not be assigned to SG-1. 5. If you are ever about to get the upper hand against an enemy, a mightier one will
appear. 4. Superior aliens - like the Asgard or the Tollan, also have superior egos, and will
not share their technology willingly. 3. Alien technology, ships, weapons will explode, crash, or infest you. 2. Sarcophagi can cure you and even revive you, when whomever SGC angered has killed
you - but it will also make you a mad, evil, powerhungry addict. 1. Ashraks and bounty hunters. ---- Top Ten Practical Jokes at the SGC 10) Everybody act like Daniel is the general 9) Pretend you've been taken over by an alien lifeform 8) Reprogram the gate-computer to only open a wormhole to Hadante 7) Next time you're off world, send a fake message to Teal'c's radio, seemingly from his 'god' Apophis, returned from the dead. 6) Steal some of the tissue samples from Apophis that the SGC infirmery must certainly have saved from when he was a patient in "Serpent's Song" - clone Apophis from them, using Asgard technology, and put him in an interesting looking (water-filled) pot on Daniel's desktop. Big surprise for Daniel when he opens it to study it! 5) Put a small speaker in Daniel's office to play half-heard messages from Oma - or Anubis. 4) Lock O'Neill in a room with a group of Tok'ra and no one else. 3) Substitute the coffee for 'blood of Sokar' in the mess hall. 2) Plant some seeds from the plant from P6J-908 ("Zero Hour") in the plant pots around the base. 1) Put a sign on Teal'c's back that says "Kick Me!" ---- The Top Ten surprise plot twists in upcoming SG-1 movies. 10) They never really left the virtual reality in 'The Gamekeeper' - everything that has happened since was really in their mind. 9) Teal'c discovers 'slang'. 8) When SG-1 finds Loki's hidden laboratory, it turns out he didn't just clone Jack O'Neill - he somehow managed to clone everyone that ever set foot at SGC...and as a result of Daniel's clumsiness, the Apophis-clone gets away. 7) All of Sam's lines are in words of two syllables or less, with no quasi-scientific double-talk 6) A man meets SG-1 and falls in love with Sam...and he doesn't die. 5) Jack O'Neill decides he was wrong about the Tok'ra all along, and decides to join them - symbiote and all. 4) The Furlings pays Earth a visit and declares war after Teal'c shows them 'Star Wars: Return of the Jedi' - they really do look like Ewoks. 3) It turns out everything that happened after 'The Fifth Race' was a holographic test by the Asgard to determine if we were worthy. They decide we failed and in a surprising move names the Goa'uld the fifth race - and then gives them all their advanced technology! 2) Sam's cat, Schroedinger is suspected of being the cause of the Tollan downfall, and the small group of surviving Tollans puts SG-1 on trial. 1) Sam decides she is tired of eating blue jello, and switches to red jello. ---- SIGNS THAT STARGATE IS TAKING OVER YOUR LIFE 1. When you see a circle on the ground/floor made out of brick/stone or a design in the carpet. And it reminds you of a ring transporter. 2. You hear the name of an Egyptian god, and you think about the Goa'uld. 3. When you know the name of the episode after watching only 15-20 seconds. 4. You understand a Goa'uld phrase without having to look it up. 5. When you use quotes from Stargate in everyday conversation ('for crying out loud', 'Indeed'). 6. You say 'mikta' instead of ass/bottom/etc. or 'Netu' instead of hell. 7. You own a zat'nik'tel or other Stargate weapon. 8. You have ever dressed up in any uniform/outfit from Stargate (BDUs, Jaffa, Wraith, Tok'ra...). 9. When you make Oma Desala-like quotings ('If I had cleaned the plate yesterday, it would already be dirty again'.) 10. When large, standing rings reminds you of a Stargate. 11. Indignation because the periodic table doesn't include naquadah and trinium. 12. You have Stargate-related dreams. 13. You have ever attended a convention wearing any sort of Stargate related clothing (BDUs, other uniforms/outfits). 14. Actual serious thoughts about buying that $1200 Staff weapon. 15. You read/write Stargate fanfiction. 16. You went on a trip to Colorado Springs, just to see Cheyenne Mountain. 17. You're convinced Stargate is real, and that the TV show is just a coverup... 18. You recognize more than four references on this list. 19. You refer to Earth as the 'Tau'ri'. 20. You laugh at Teal'c's Jaffa joke. ---- The Top 10 Things You're Not About To Hear on SG-1 10) O'Neill: No, please, Daniel, do go on. I find your lecture about this Goa'uld's family history fascinating... 9) Teal'c: Ouch! I got a paper cut! 8) Teal'c: I believe you got that particular idiom wrong - the correct version is 'Like comparing apples and oranges'... 7) Janet: You've obviously mistaken me for someone who care! Now get out! 6) Hammond: No, you can take the day off, SG-1. SG-2 handled the crisis already. 5) Sam: The...huge ring thingie...the one that makes that's behaving all up by know...the one that we use to go know...far away places. 4) Daniel: No, thank you. I've given up coffee. But I would like a beer. 3) Teal'c: Jaffa do NOT play with stuffed least not in front of humans. 2) O'Neill: I agree with the Tok'ra. 1) Daniel: Who cares about the morality of it. If they want to believe we are gods, I say let them! It makes getting laid so much easier. ---- Sheppard: So, when are you going to get around to changing the lightbulbs around here on Atlantis? McKay: I'm an important man, Major. Can't you see I'm busy??? Shep: I can't see anything,'s dark! Q: How many Jack's does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: 2, one to laugh at the dirtiness of the joke, one to screw it in Weir: Rodney, can you change the light bulb please? Rodney: I would but I cant see a thing! Q: How many jaffa does it take to turn off a light? A: 51, fifty to shoot at it whilst the other one finds the light switch. Q: Why did the chicken enter the Stargate? A: Because any worm that can make a wormhole that size HAS to be worth the risk! ---- Stargate light bulb jokes Q: How many Goa'uld does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Only one, but he will order his lo'tar to do it for him. Q: How many Goa'uld does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two: one to order the Jaffa to change it for them and another to execute the Jaffa after the job's done. Q: How many Asgards does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Three: one to beam it out of the socket, another to clone the old bulb, and the third to beam the new copy into place. Q: How many Nox does it take to change a light bulb ? A: None. They only made it appear to be burnt out. Q: How many Ancients does it take to change a light bulb ? A: None. They ARE the lightbulb. Q: How many Ancients does it take to change a light bulb ? A: None: no respectable Ancient would interfere in the affairs of mortals. Q: How many Tok'ra does it take to change a light bulb ? A: 2: One to change the lightbulb and one to ask what's so funny! Q: How many Tok'ra does it take to change a light bulb ? A: Only one, but we Tok'ra have no use for your primitive, Tau'ri technology Q: How many Jaffa does it take to change a light bulb ? A: True Jaffa Warriors are not afraid of the dark - besides we prefer this trustworthy fire. Q: How many Jaffa does it take to change a light bulb ? A: Eight: Five to worship it as a god, since it obviously has magical powers. One to point out that it is a false god. One to agree but do nothing, and one to against tradition and actually change the lightbulb. Q: How many Jaffa does it take to change a light bulb ? A: Two: one to change it, and one to kill him and take the credit. Q: How many Jaffa does it take to replace a lightbulb? A: Knowledge of Goa'uld magic is strictly forbidden. Q: How many Replicators does it take to change a light bulb ? A: 1,234,,234,558...uhm, 559... ----