TITLE: BBQ Reviews
AUTHOR: Roeskva
CATEGORY: Humour, short story
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment only and not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
SUMMARY: Martouf/Lantash joins SG-1 for a team night with BBQ and movie. Takes place shortly after "Jolinar's Memories"/"The Devil You Know". Not that it matters.
RATING: PG, perhaps PG-13 for mentioning of a few scenes from "The Mummy".
CHARACTERS: Martouf/Lantash, SG-1
STATUS: Complete
AUTHORS NOTES: * denotes thoughts or host/symbiote communication.

"Hey, Marty...you want a beer?" O'Neill smiled, a little forced, as he held out a bottle.

Martouf considered saying no, but decided to try it. He did like some kinds of beer, but he had never tried any Tau'ri ones.

"Yes. Thank you." He accepted the beer and carefully opened it, the same way he had seen the others do.

*Are you sure that is a wise choice?*

*We are trying to be diplomatic, Lantash. Remember?*

His symbiote ignored the comment. *Is the food really not ready yet? We have waited for a long time now! Why do they insist on roasting the meat over charcoal, when they have faster, more efficient means to prepare the food?*

*It is strange, that is true.* Martouf agreed. He took a drink from his beer and immediately made a face. *It is the most bitter beer I have ever tasted! If I had not seen O'Neill and Daniel drink the same, I would swear O'Neill gave it to us just to taunt us!*

*Well, it is his house and he bought the beer, so I suppose he gets to chose the type. Presumably he likes it...*

Martouf took a small bowl and started filling it with chips, all the while pretending to 'accidentally' spill most of his beer on the ground.

*Mission accomplished!*

*Well done, Martouf! Let us go and find something else to drink!*

Martouf looked around the place and at the people present. *Samantha has just opened a bottle of something - and the bottle looks different. Perhaps we should go and find out what she is having?*

*Excellent idea! That also gives us an excuse to talk to her. Lead the way!*

A long while later. They had talked to Sam for some time - or rather listened to her. It turned out she was getting a little drunk, and that prompted her to talk about her theories for increasing the efficiency of naquadah generators. They had listened patiently for almost 30 minutes, at which time they had realised why she had been sitting alone. The others had been sensible enough to flee, knowing her well enough to detect it when she went into 'lecturing' mode. At least Martouf and Lantash had learned what it was she was drinking - it was something called a 'wine cooler'. Odd name, but it was apparently a mixture of fruit juice and either wine or malt liqueur, a type of beer.

They grabbed one of the 'wine coolers'. It tasted somewhat of peach and was quite sweet. Martouf instantly liked it. Lantash did as well - which he admitted after some prodding from Martouf. They were also getting addicted to the crispy salty-sour potato chips they had fetched earlier. Lantash's complained about the fat, salt, and additives, but did in no way try to stop Martouf from eating them.

"OK. Food's ready! Come and get it!" O'Neill called out. "You want a hot dog or a burger?" O'Neill asked Lantash, who just looked at him in confusion.

"You eat dog meat?"

"No! Of course not! What do you mean?" O'Neill glared at him, indignantly.

"Hot dogs are not made of dog meat, despite the name suggesting it." Teal'c informed him helpfully. "I thought so as well. The Tau'ri have many strange naming conventions."

Lantash nodded. "I see. I would like to try one of each, then."

"Coming right up..." O'Neill put a sausage in a hot dog bun and placed it on a plate. He then put a sliced burger bun on the plate as well, and grabbed a beef patty from the barbecue and put in it. "Here ya go. The fixings are over there." He pointed towards a table with lots of bowls, bottles, and jars on it.


"You know...various condiments...like mustard, ketchup, whatever..." He waved a hand.

Lantash nodded, still looking confused. " I see...thank you." He took his plate and went over to the table.

*What did he mean?* Martouf wondered.

*I have no idea. Maybe we are supposed to add something from each of these bottles, jars and bowls to the food. It looks like various sauces and cut vegetables...and pickles, maybe...*

*To enhance the taste? Or to hide it?*

*Could be either...* Lantash looked sceptically at the somewhat charred beef patty, sitting on the slightly burnt bun. Resigned, he started scooping up a little of each of the condiments onto both the hot dog and the burger.

"No! Not like that!" Sam hurried over to him. "Don't put all of it on both of those. Here, let me help you..." She took the plate from him.

*Now everyone knows we have no clue what we were doing. Great!* Martouf sounded morose.

*But we do have Samantha's undivided attention - and she is not talking about naquadah generators. Besides, in all fairness they could not expect us to know any specifics about Tau'ri food.*

When they had finished eating their food, it was time to go inside and watch a movie. It had been picked by Teal'c and O'Neill this time and was something called 'The Mummy'. It was obvious the title did not please Daniel.

Martouf and Lantash had managed to get a seat in the sofa, beside Sam. They knew something about Tau'ri movies, and that they were usually made-up stories, but they had only seen a few before. They were therefore quite looking forward to the experience, despite Daniel's comments about the movie.

*They have made a movie about Imhotep? As a mummy? And a resurrected mummy? Mummies are dead...and have usually been for a long time - and what has been done to them means they cannot be resurrected.* Martouf complained.

*And if Imhotep died he would immediately have been healed and resurrected in a sarcophagus  - and be as alive and evil as before - unfortunately!* Lantash added.

*He is a minor Goa'uld. Not really a concern.*

*I suppose so, but it is still strange to make a movie about him, is it not?*

They accepted another bottle of wine cooler from Sam and leaned back in the sofa, waiting to see how this strange Tau'ri movie would describe Imhotep.

"See? That's what I thought! They even start out wrong! They say it's Thebes, but those pyramids are at Giza! I've been there!" Daniel exclaimed.

The others ignored him, being used to Daniel yelling at the TV when they watched movies. Martouf wisely decided to do the same and took another drink from his bottle.

*That's supposed to be Imhotep? Well, I don't know how his host looked back then, so...at least he does look evil...*

Lantash snorted. "Fools! Imhotep was never a high priest of Osiris! The very idea that a Goa'uld would agree to become any one's priest is laughable..."

"It's just a movie, OK? Don't take it literally." O'Neill grumbled.

"Do what I do when I watch this kind of movies - just drink until it stops hurting." Daniel offered helpfully.

"I don't think Lantash will let me drink that much..." Martouf said.

O'Neill gave them both an evil look and everyone was quiet for some time, watching the movie.

"This is so wrong!" Daniel exclaimed. "They didn't have codex-style books then! They used scrolls!"

"Daniel...!" O'Neill warned.

Daniel mumbled something incoherently, but kept his mouth shut for the next long while. 

*That is an odd looking sarcophagus...*

*And a very ugly Anubis statue. I am certain he would have had people tortured to death a couple thousand times just for making it.* Lantash suggested to Martouf.


"They insist on getting everything wrong! Seti the first wasn't killed by Anck Su Namun - who by the way was the name of Tut Ankh Amon's wife - he died quite peacefully. And they're showing us five canopic jars - there should only be four! I mean..."

"SHUT UP, Daniel!" O'Neill was getting seriously irritated. "Or else you're so not invited for the next movie night with the team!"

Faced with such a threat Daniel reduced his complaints to mumbling.

"Those guys are idiots...the mirrors will have to be constantly adjusted or else that setup will not work." Sam turned to the others, explaining. "The Earth's rotation will very quickly move them out of position so they won't reflect the sunlight down there..."

"Carter..." O'Neill warned.

"Sorry, sir."

*There's that strange sarcophagus again - the one they put Imhotep in...I doubt it is a good idea for them to open it.*

*It will probably not stop them. The humans of this movie seem to be very stupid.*

*They certainly do.* Martouf agreed.

*And so they are opening it...*

*Yeach! I think his sarcophagus must have been defective...he sure looks bad! Maybe because those scarabs they poured in with him ate at him continuously?* Martouf commented, when the TV showed Imhotep's partially decomposed body.

*Perhaps...he seems very dead, at least.*

"Who again was it that picked this movie?" Sam complained. "It's disgusting!"

"Then perhaps you would like to chose the next?" Teal'c sounded hurt.

*Seems I was wrong...Imhotep was not dead anyway.*

*No, but he is going to need a new host - that one is falling apart. I do not believe he would be able to move in that condition.*

*Seems he is getting it in bits and pieces...stealing a little from various people.* "This is ridiculous!" *Oops, did I really say that out loud?*

*You did, Lantash...* Martouf grinned.

O'Neill decided to ignore him, and no one else made any further comments on the movie until an eclipse was shown.

"The city shouldn't be that well lit during a total eclipse. When you have total...oops. Sorry." Sam blushed.

"That's it! One more word from anyone and this was the last time ever you got invited to my house - and it goes for all of you! Well, not you, of course, Teal'c." O'Neill said.

"That's OK. Because next time will be at my place - and I will pick the movie!" Sam said.

"Yeah, so we get to watch what? A geek movie or a chick flick?"

"Thank you very much for the confidence! Only Daniel, Martouf, Lantash, and Teal'c are welcome then!"

"Do you mind postponing this quarrel until after the movie? I would like to watch it." Teal'c actually sounded irritated.

"Sorry, Teal'c." Sam looked bashful, as did the others.

They watched the rest of the movie in silence. When it was over they drew lots to decide who would get to pick the next movie.

Daniel compared the sticks they all held out. "Lantash!? It would seem you got the longest straw, so you get to chose the next one."

"Thank you. I will pick something...interesting...and more historically correct. Just remember to contact the Tok'ra and tell them I need to attend your next 'movie night'. I am looking forward to it - I learn surprisingly much about Tau'ri culture this way." Lantash looked with amusement at O'Neill, who did not seem to look forward to the next time.

*That was quite diplomatic of you - did you not mean 'more than you have ever wanted' about Tau'ri culture?*

*Perhaps - though I must admit this ended up being quite an entertaining evening!*